Pus…

So, my incision opened up a pinhole size, and a bunch of pus came out. My life is repeating. I’m so tired of this. On the bright side, since it popped open and drained, I’m having a little less pain.

Oh Pain…

So, at least pain signifies that I’m still alive. However, it’s preventing me from doing much of anything. Right now, I’m counting down the time until I can take another pain pill. I have an hour left. Boo.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the wound care clinic. I hope they can figure something out that is going to cause me less pain. I’m packing wet to dry like I was told, but the dry seems to fuse with the wound and pulling it out is like taking a scab off. Incredibly painful and bloody.

I’m so sick of all this.

I can’t do this…

So, I took my shower this morning and went to repack my incision. Which is 4 inches long and ALL THE WAY down. I took probably 2 feet of rolled gauze out of there. Omg did it hurt! My instructions were to pack it with wet to dry 4×4 gauze. I only got two pieces in. I can’t do this. I can’t stare at my insides. Psychologically this is more than I can do. I’m going to see what I can do about getting into a wound care clinic. I need help!

Home again…

Well, I made it through surgery and am back home. Hurting pretty bad, and I’ve taken all the pain meds I can for right now. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.

Have to return to wet to dry packing. Grrr. I really hate doing that. Sticking wads of gauze inside myself is even worse than the iodoform packing.

Praying this fixes it and that I can finally heal…

Surgery tomorrow

My workday is over, all my paperwork done. Trying to chill out and relax.

I hate surgery. I hate being cut open. And I really hate the pain afterwards. 

My youngest daughter is spending the night with a friend tonight. As she was leaving she came and gave me a hug and a kiss and said “I hope you don’t die in surgery tomorrow”.

Me too, babe. Me too.

More surgery…

So, I saw my surgeon today. He confirmed that yes, I do have a track with infection in it. So, the plan is to go into surgery on Friday and he’s going to open my incision back up and go in and clean out the infection. He thinks the stiches may be infected and so he’s going to take them out. Idk if he’s going to put more in or not.

I just want this to be over. I’m tired of hurting….

Tomorrow…

Well, tomorrow its back to the surgeon I go. Hopefully I’ll see my actual surgeon and not just his PA. Idk what will happen. Kind of afraid he’s going to cut on me since the tip of my incision has grown closed to a point that its extremely painful to poke the packing in. Grrrrrr. I just want to know why this is taking so darn long to close. I really thought I’d be swimming laps by now….

What do I eat????

So, this is my food for my workday today. I’ve drank some of the shake already. Baked chicken and carrots…mmmmm…although honestly, it’s unlikely I’ll get through it all at lunch. That’s a lot of carrots. So the chicken and carrots are like, two to three meals for me, usually. I’ve got to find a way to boost my calorie intake as my doc says I’m not eating enough. I may have to go back to making bulletproof coffee in the mornings.

Speaking of calorie intake…that’s another emotional issue I never really heard or read about prior to surgery. While you realize that yes, there is a reduced calorie intake (and I’m fine with that), I don’t usually get hungry. I mean, seriously, like hardly at all. When I do eat, it’s a minimal amount and then I’m done. Yesterday, I had made a mixture of pinto beans, canned chicken, enchilada sauce and cheese (I was really craving Chipotle and no it wasn’t even close). Three spoonfuls and I was done. I couldn’t eat any more. Not because it didn’t taste how I wanted it to taste, but because physically, I couldn’t get any more down.

Okay. Squirrel. Back to the point I was trying to make. Emotional issue. When you spend your entire life with people telling you “you need to eat less and exercise more”, and doctors telling you to cut down your calories, it’s a highly emotionally charged thing to hear a doctor tell you “you need to eat more”. It goes against everything you’ve ever been told about weight loss. Then to physically not be able to eat enough to reach that bar they’ve set, that’s hard. It really messes with your head.

Maybe these are things that I would have heard about had I gone to a weight loss support group before, during, or after the surgical process. But it wasn’t required by my insurance, and I’m working when the groups around here are held so I haven’t been. I really wish I had gone to some before I decided to go through with surgery.

Hair loss…

So, here is this morning’s hair loss this far. Achieved by only running a pick through it! Super powers! But it really sucks that losing hair has to be my super power. Go figure. I had read some about hair loss prior to surgery, but kind of thought “yeah, that won’t happen. Hopefully”. You can read about the science of it here

The emotional aspect of all this shouldn’t be underestimated. It really shouldn’t. 

Anyway, I’ve taken to wearing headbands to try to cover the thinning spots. I’m in love with boho bandeaus. They’re pretty and give great coverage.